Thot Topics

The Director’s Cunt!

We're back-- and this time, it's pussonal...
In this double-wide spectacular, we let out a lot of extremely complicated, unique, and sexy emotions:
RAGE: We talk about the unjust cancellation of Betsey Brown's Actors screening at the Music Box Theatre, and psychoanalyze our haters.
ENNUI: If your parents raised you to love fast food is it ever possible to learn portion control?
REGRESSION: Are children's movies like PUSS IN BOOTS and its "highly realistic cat panic attack" actually designed for children? Or stunted adults?
FEELING MEOW TO THE PUSSYCAT-CUNT: Is Kim Petras making a mockery of SOPHIE's legacy by making music that kind of sounds like her?
All is revealed, and all the certifiably perfect answers are sponsored our friends at MAGIC MIND. Hit magicmind.co/topics and use the promo code TOPICS20 to get 20% off your first purchase of the OFISHAL productivity drink of this episode. 
Follow the girls on Twitter @VLRTUALBOY and @YOURE2BASIC, and the pod meme page @th0tcels. Put our puss in boots on Patreon. 

Harajewku Girls! (Trailer)

**PATRONS ONLY. TRAILER FOR THE POOR!**
In our inaugural episode of the Year of the Rabbit, we get little crazy and Asian up in here! It's RICH! 
First, we have a little bit of much-needed girl time: Nick tells the story of his engaygement, and Cris recounts his trip to the Camein Guylands. Plus, we discuss Apple's behavioral issues, and not caring about the environment.
But that's not all: we give our first impressions of the "lovely ladies" of Season 15 of Drag Race (it takes longer than we intend but we really go deep.) Plus, we review the holder of the new diva crown M3GAN (Spoilers beware but it's a dumb movie lol you really should already know how it ends...) 
AND!!! We talk about Gwen Stefani's totally valid Japanese heritage and Lizzo's claim that cancel culture is cultural appropriation. I think this is a really optimistic hour and a half!
Follow the girls on Twitter @VLRTUALBOY and @YOURE2BASIC, and the pod meme page @th0tcels on Instagram. Take a chance you stupid ho on Patreon.

Thotline 4: Call of Judy AKA Hello Floperator!

Dear Thot Topics, I wrote you but you still ain't callin'! I left my cell, my pager, and my home phone and I'm a bottom!
In our final episode of 2022 we take the crisis calls of our beloved, deeply troubled listeners. Talk about a therapy sesh! Let us in those ears mama!
We talk about getting over your fear of gay men, how to date when it seems like all gay guys are libtards, giving up on monogamy, dropping the R word in the workplace, and SO much more. Cheers to the new yearz baby!
Follow the girls on Twitter @VLRTUALBOY and @YOURE2BASIC, and our perfect meme page @th0tcels. Subscribe on Patreon for even MORE Thotline action tomorrow night!!

Rock Paper SZA!

There should be an option for me to tag whether or not we got drunk for the episode because it's honestly way more offensive than "strong language"
 
We're back to run a 2 hour long Meghan train on your earholes with the week's most riveting topix. (It was slim pickings honestly but I think we did okay.) First, we review the nefarious homosexual finale of THE WHITE LOTUS and decide what secret homophobic messages Mike White is trying to whisper through the ether.
 
THEN, we talk about the tidal wave of Sam Smith hate. We put our thinking caps on and employ some classic Thot Topics Theorums and come away with an extremely satisfying, if not the definitive, conclusion.
Last but certainly not least, as we reach peak drunkness, we rate the top 10 most popular sounds on TikTok in the world right now. From Made You Look to the spinning monkeys song, we gingerly take the culture's temperature. And yes, there's an anal option!
 
Follow the girls on Twitter @VLRTUALBOY and @YOURE2BASIC, and the pod meme page @th0tcels. Donate to the Thot Topics Foundation for Michelob Ultra Rights at patreon.com/thottopics.

The Chelsea Boot Handshake!

The girls are girlinggggg!
 
Welcome back to the newly expanded Thot Topics lounge! Unbuckle your girdle and take your panties off because it's about to get extremely raw up in here. Sorry to have kept you waiting so long but we promise we won't leave you again for the next set of holidays...
 
This week, we allow the Patreon sisters to be our memory for the last two weeks and we chime in on everything that's happened: the Grindr IPO, the nonbinary luggage thief, Spotify Wrapped, our potential pivot to payola, Pokemon Violet, Dr. Luke and Kim Petras, BAALenciaga, and MORE. We're so happy to be back in your tight little ears! Nnnnnhhhh!
 
Follow the girls on Twitter @VLRTUALBOY and @YOURE2BASIC and the official pod Instagram @th0tcels. Throw some real DOGS a bone on Patreon.

*UNLOCKED* I Know Why The Caged Barb Sings! (feat. Zach Langley Chi Chi)

Sowwy (〃＞＿＜;〃) We're on a little unexpected turkeylicious holiday hiatus but we'll be back in your little ears ASAP! In the meantime, we're cracking open the vault to tide you over: this is our Patreon-exclusive episode with Zach from I'm So Popular in which we rank Nicki Minaj's discography

Full-Cunt Press!

{Batting a home run} It's giving... giving... GAAAAVEEEE!
Things get a little spicy this week and the spice in question is Sporty! From deep within the pussy part of the Venn Diagram between straight men and gay men, we talk about what separates us and what unites us. Sports! Sleep patterns! Being goofy and silly! And so much more.
In light of the midterm elections in Illinois, we also talk about which women we would show up to the polls for if they were running for President. What say the girls on Oprah? Gwyneth Paltrow? Lena Dunham? Anchors aweigh, girls.
It was a slow news week so most of the episode is dedicated to a girly little catch-up chitchat. Step into the breast buddy simulator and let's get cookin!
Follow the girls on Twitter @VLRTUALBOY and @YOURE2BASIC, plus the official pod Twitter and Instagram. Pass us the ball, we're open on Patreon.

Eternal Sunshine of the Thotless Mind!

When Adele turned 25 all she could come up with was "Hello". We made this episode, so CATCH US IF YOU CAN BITCH!
 
We're back! It's been a minute since we've had some private girls time so we take a moment to catch up on our personal lives as we both gear up to enter our dreaded mid-twenties. We reveal a hair care SHOCKER, report our own fashion crimes, and think about what makes you a grownup.
 
We attempt to cover some actual topics, and we do sort of touch on two: we review Rihanna's new stinky diarrhea pile "Lift Me Up" and raise Ice Spice up in holy prayer. We attempt to talk about Taylor Swift having the word "fat" removed from her music video but then get, uh, distracted. We feel you'll enjoy! Teehee!
 
Follow the girls on Twitter @VLRTUALBOY and @YOURE2BASIC. Plus, the official pod Twitter and Instagram. Buy us a birthday shot on Patreon.

Hoes on the Beach! (feat. Morgan)

She jack my ant til it off... she jacks on my antonoff til i... uhhh
Alright, it's another patrons-only one this week-- not because we don't value ALL our sisters equally but we get pretty drunk during this one and name drop a lot of people we went to high school with so we've gotta put this one in jail.
We're joined in the stu' by friend of the pod MORGAN for our scathing assessment of Taylor Swift's new steaming slop pile. We reach inside and pull out the TRUTH! But baby you know that's not all-- we also talk about Billie Eilish's boyfriend, get to the bottom of the female (and gay) urge to date older guys, and put the GROOMING allegations to bed once and for all. Plus, we ask Morgan: have we ever said anything about women that would make women think we're retarded?
All this and MORE behind the paywall...
Follow the girls on Twitter @VLRTUALBOY and @YOURE2BASIC, and the official pod Insta @th0tcels. Swiftly give us four dollars on Patreon.

Happiness is a Butterface!

This week, we attempt what is likely the most difficult challenge in the history of the program: we comb through a bracket of Lana Del Rey's discography and attempt to crown ONE SONG as the supreme. All factors are considered, all truths are weighed, and we think you'll love how the dust settles. Or maybe you won't. Sue us!
But naturally that's not all. During the 40 minute long preshow (lol) we discuss Nick's vaccination tweet and FOLLOW YOUR GUT NO MATTER WHAT 2023. Not only that: we do a state of the union address on gay people and wonder why looking at another gay person (and hating him) is a lot like looking in the FREAKIN mirror!
Follow the girls on Twitter @VLRTUALBOY and @YOURE2BASIC, and the official pod Instagram @th0tcels. Put us in a movie on Patreon.
**PREVIEW ONLY ON THE MAIN FEED. FULL EP FOR PATRONS!**