Thot Topics

Misters Before Sisters! (feat. Betsey Brown & Peter Vack)

Hey girl, what's Vack and Brown and CUNT all over? Just WAIT until you hear the answer...
We return for the first episode of SHAMROCK SHAKE SEASON to have the Thot Topics Barbara Walters Power Hour with stars, siblings, movers, shakers, and now canon members of the Thot Topics Universe-- BETSEY MUTHAFUCKIN BROWN and PETER GODDAMN VACK. We dive deep into Betsey's feature film debut "ACTORS" mere days before its theater debut. We've got it like that, babe. We talk breasts, babies, brothers, channeling the puss-factor, and getting too close to home IN YOUR OWN HOME!  Be warned that this episode does contain spoilers for the movie so proceed with caution...
Follow the girls on Twitter @VLRTUALBOY and @YOURE2BASIC, and the official pod Twitter @ThotTopicsPod. 
Follow Betsey on Instagram and Twitter.
Follow Peter on Instagram. 
For the girls who like homework...
Watch ASSHOLES (2017) and THE SCARY OF SIXTY FIRST (2021) 

M&Mpty Inside!

M&M&M&M&M&M&M&M&M&M&M&M&M Body crazy curvy wavy big titties little waist, M&M&M&M&M&M&M&M&M&M&M&M&M
 
Abuse: Do you deserve it? We hope you have a list of hotlines posted to your refrigerator because this one's gonna be a bumpy ride! BUT, not before we get some small potatoes out of the way. First, we perform a wellness check-- Cris reveals the dark dangers of working from home and how you can bring yourself back into the light, and both the girls take a stand for the power of interacting with strangers. Very healing stuff!
 
Then, we review some new music-- Grimes's comeback single "Shinigami Eyes" and Charli XCX's "Beg For You." We get to the bottom of why Rina Sawayama has such poisonous, evil energy; once again threaten Normani; and have a true SPAT over our final verdict on a song. Spicy!
 
Last but not least, we discuss the timeline's obsession with "lovebombing" and the inclusive rebrand of the M&Ms. Is the change to keep guys from whacking off to the green M&M, or to cover up child slavery? Is the red one or the orange one the one living with crippling PTSD from having a pretzel implanted? Is the brown one a dyke? ALL is revealed.
 
Follow the girls on Twitter @VLRTUALBOY and @YOURE2BASIC, and the official pod Twitter @ThotTopicsPod. For every $4 you give us on Patreon we will attempt to catch an M&M in our mouth. If you're not subscribed, our very first patrons-only episode drops this weekend-- DON'T let that train leave the station without you babe.
 
New merch is still available! Get the classic Thot Topics Marlboro tee or our new Modelo Time design :)

Vodka Platonic!

We screwed the pooch on this one guys. My MacBook ran out of space while we were recording (but it didn't tell me that until AFTER we recorded for like 40 minutes) and now we're stuck with a sort of incomplete episode... but we didn't want to leave you hanging! The front half of this is a classique girls chat... and the back half, well... turn your volume up. At your own risk. LOL. May wind up keeping this one patrons-only but we'll see. The IKEA episode quality was WAYYYY worse.
I decided only to release the good-sounding stuff on the free feed. Have you ever wanted to pay for something and have it be worse? Well have I got news for you... 
The girls chat about the time Nick got heart surgery, recount all of their high school homecomings, and reveal what senior superlatives we were awarded. THEN, we get into some actual topics: first, we give our impressions of the girls on Season 14 (ugh) of Drag Race (UGHHHH). THEN, we discuss today's Twitter dogpile: does platonically kissing (or... doing other things) with your friends mean you have no boundaries? It's a real window to the past, this one...
Follow the girls on Twitter @VLRTUALBOY and @YOURE2BASIC and the official pod Twitter @ThotTopicsPod. Tip-a-hoe on Patreon. 

Crappy Jew Year! (feat. @goodboygremlin and @cockmurdock)

It's officially 2022, and we're resolving to TEAR!
 
In yet another triumphant return to form following a brief(ish) hiatus, we are back to take stock of all that went down in 2021-- from boiled cats, to gay throuples, to Nicki Minaj's couins balls. We really do it ALL. We run a fine-toothed comb through a meticulously constructed timeline of the past year-- and decide which events GAVE and which events WERE NOT GIVING. Obviously it's a lot of gay screaming and irrelevant bullshit but there are some real LESSONS to be learned... between the lines

Pedofeeling It!

Cuz when youuu're-- 15 and somebody tells you they love you, you gotta report themmm...
 
The girls face the end of the Year of the Ox-- and girl, you know they have to pull the cart, girl. We do a light bit of girly catch-up chitchat before launching into the week's most pressing matters. In what can only be described as an extremely pro-woman episode, we defend a woman's right to hate pornography, a woman's right to fall in love with a teen, and a woman's right to spontaneously grow comically large breasts.
 
We chat Billie Eilish's anti-porn crusade and the difference between the male relationship to porn and the female relationship to porn-- then formally announce that sex positivity is officially over. Then, we review the new Rebecca Black and Slayyyter collab "Read My Mind," and explain the value of having big tits in your heart rather than on your chest. Lastly, we discuss about the Licorice Pizza review that never was-- and how nobody knows how to do anything except look in the mirror. TRUST US, we get it.
 
Follow the girls on Twitter @VLRTUALBOY and @YOURE2BASIC, and the official pod Twitter @ThotTopicsPod. Be the girls on Patreon.

Cis Me, I‘m Guyrish!

I'm twenty-five years old... and I don't know how to gape...
 
We're back and on schedule! We told you we wouldn't keep you waiting. Hush now-- mommy and mommy are here. This one's a doozy so hold on tight-- keep it ALL tight if you can manage it!
 
This week, we take some big swings and it's nothing but grand slams babe. First, we pick apart Pitchfork's Top 100 songs of the year and answer all of its unanswerable questions: Who thinks Tinashe is talented? Is Bunny a rider? Who the fuck is Jazmine Sullivan? It's very illuminating.
 
With the little potatoes out of the way, we can get down to beeswax: we chat about the cis straight guy cast on the new season of Drag Race and take the girls to task about why they're crying while sowing-- after all that REAPING they did!! Then, in what is basically an NPR bit, we talk about the TikTok of the twenty-five year old gay guy who "doesn't know how to date." Why are so many gay guys stuck in high school? Is there really no "I" in monogamy? Will the girls EVER find true love?? All is revealed: especially our holes.
 
Follow the girls on Twitter @VLRTUALBOY and @YOURE2BASIC, and the official pod Twitter @ThotTopicsPod. Subscribe to us on PATREON where we're actually going to start offering monthly bonus episodes! TRUST US-- you don't want to miss it.

Perfectomorphs!

OUR coconuts. You will put them in your mouth: right now, right now. (Right now, right now.)
 
Thot Topics Queens are Thot Topics Fiends-- and Thot Topics fiends get the greens. It's payout time-- we're BACK after an accidental two-week long break! Cris was out of town for a while so naturally we have a LOT of girly catching up to do. So don't expect any actual topics until about an hour in.
LOOSELY, we discuss every gay guy's favorite day of the year: Spotify Wrapped Day! We look back on a pretty shitty year in music and search for highlights. Then, we talk about whether LGBT eating disorder rates have to do with how hot and sexy gay people are-- and more broadly wonder if literally every person alive has an eating disorder?
 
Lastly, we talk about Jill Biden's geriatric Christmas decorations and plot our takeover of the White House halls.
 
Follow the girls on Twitter @VLRTUALBOY and @YOURE2BASIC, and the official pod Twitter @ThotTopicsPod. Eat your soup on Patreon.

Methhead Actors! (feat. River Page)

The girls are BACK after a brief Nick's Birthday sabbatical and we FINALLY address the rumors... YES we are female hackers. YES it is both dangerous and rewarding. YES we wear a tight fitting turtleneck that creates a uniboob. WE EXIST!!!!
This week, we're joined by return guest RIVER PAGE (@river_is_nice) to discuss the news of the moment, and of some moments we missed. First, we finally review Blue Bannisters and wind up shitting on it way more than we expected to. Then: are we embarrassed to be gay? Do gay guys have any political interests other than making sure everyone wants to fuck them? Lastly, we recap Astroworld and get to the ninth circle of the Satanic panic theories swirling around it. It's DELISH!
Follow the girls on Twitter @VLRTUALBOY and @YOURE2BASIC. Bring back my pig on Patreon.
Follow River @river_is_nice and subscribe to his amazing Substack. 

Sohcahtore It!

We're Billy RePorters and we're hot (or at least a 7) on the scene of the crime!
 
This week, we dig through their trash heap of a Twitter timeline to find something-- literally ANYTHING-- to talk about. We fuck around for a while first, and in the grand Thot Topics tradition just wind up talking about food and snacks for a good 20 minutes-- topics this week include the BRAT diet, the Mexican BRAT diet, and our favorite candies.
 
Then it's down to business. We try our very best to defend the math teacher paying homage to the people of the Sohcahtoa tribe, and take a trip down memory lane to recount some of our own high school memories together. Then, we discuss Blizzard Games' decision to change one of the Overwatch heroes names to fight workplace harassment-- and wonder what the final solution to workplace harassment *actually* is. (We think we came up with a pretty good idea actually!) Last but not least, we talk about Billy Porter's claim that he invited being a man in a dress, and psychoanalyze the gay male need to be liked.
 
Follow the girls on Twitter @VLRTUALBOY and @YOURE2BASIC, and the official pod Twitter @ThotTopicsPod. Sohcahtell us you love us on Patreon.

Verynormal Cracktivity!

What's up you fuckin' stupid alien? Pop a squat with us and crack open a fresh copy of the Bitchkiker's Guide to the Galaxy-- there's much to explore, and SO little time...
This week, the girls get a little sidetracked talking about their personal journeys as their dreaded first-ever mid-twenties birthday approaches. What's acceptable to do in your twenties that must now be left behind? Is "weight loss" an elaborate lie constructed by deluded skinny people with genetics on their side? 
But then it's down to business: we, like, KIND OF review the new Adele single but mostly review her face. Then, we talk about Demi Lovato's declaration that "alien" is a derogatory term for the extra-terrestrial, and whether or not "right wing" artists are capable of creating good art. These points are all mostly a thematic backdrop for us to talk about ourselves: have we ever had a supernatural experience? What's scarier: the ocean, or space? Can anyone help me squeeze my freakin' boobs into this top!?! ALL is revealed.
Follow the girls on Twitter @VLRTUALBOY and @YOURE2BASIC, and the official pod Twitter @ThotTopicsPod. Can you help us find the love? We think we lost it somewhere on Patreon.