Thot Topics
Thot Topics is a podcast with the bravery to stare into the void and ask God’s question: ”Do I look fat in these jeans?” Every week, Nick Malone and Cris Lopez slow-motion dive into music, culture, and politics, then emerge soaking wet with 100% certified accurate takes for your listening pleasure. If you’ve ever felt gaslit by gay Twitter, or by a sizing chart while online shopping, this will be the sisterhood of a lifetime.
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Episodes
Friday Mar 11, 2022
Friday Mar 11, 2022
Someone help! I think I smell a yaaas leak!
In our triumphant return following our star-crossed meeting with Slayyyter, we're back to business as usual-- talking shit about gay guys online. First, we do a little bit of catching up on our personal lives and talk about THE WAR. Then, it's on to more important things.
First, we speculate on a certain Twitter gay's new surrogate baby. Should gay guys have babies? Does there need to be a mom? Do WE want children? Is surrogacy okay? Can you request a white baby? We get SOMEWHERE and that somewhere feels like the truth.
We contemplate loosing our lips about Charli's new album but decide to save it for next week, and instead deliver what is likely our most motivational and inspiring work yet by chatting Kim Kardashian. Do people want to work anymore? What is the key to success? Are you actually fucked if you weren't born rich? Should you WANT to be rich? It's basically a self-help class. Marianne Williamson eat your heart out!
Follow the girls on Twitter @VLRTUALBOY and @YOURE2BASIC, and the official pod Twitter @ThotTopicsPod. Get your fucking ass up and subscribe on Patreon.
Monday Feb 28, 2022
Monday Feb 28, 2022
In a historic girls' chat that was predestined-- carved on an ancient tome and locked deep beneath the earth for centuries-- we are joined by the one and only motherfuckin' goddamn SLAYYYTER in her podcasting debut. EVERYTHING is exposed. And you KNOW I mean our tits!
It's impossible to summarize just how important the content of this episode is. It's basically the fucking State of the Union address. We bond as new besties, dish on Slayyyter's highly decorated career, and talk Shamrock Shakes, masks, getting noise complaints, lip filler, and MORE.
But that's not all-- this is a good old fashioned Thot Topics episode too. We rail fat lines of the Linkedin pill and discuss Mitski asking people to stop using their phones so much at her shows. We settle every question imaginable: if no one's filming, how can you know if you're sexy? What if Beyonce said no phones? Are pop stars your little wage slaves? ALL is revealed.
Then, we establish firm guidelines for male fashion-- both for straight men and for gay "men." Is it ever appropriate for a man to wear a stretchy Chelsea boot? What's with gay guys wanting to wear fetish gear over normal outfits? We settle it once and for all.
Follow the girls on Twitter @VLRTUALBOY and @YOURE2BASIC, and the official pod Twitter @ThotTopicsPod. Eat our fish like Nobu on Patreon.
Follow Slayyyter on Twitter and Instagram. Stream her new album TROUBLED PARADISE and go see her on tour this summer. (We'll be there babe!)
Thursday Feb 24, 2022
Thursday Feb 24, 2022
Chernobyl you betta don't!
We're back for another solo episode and this week, we're Putin on the ritz and launching a full-scale ATTACK on Charli XCX. Crimea river!
But first, there's important business to attend to-- from reflecting on whether or not college was worth it, to revealing how much our rent is, to performing a wellness check on each other as we continue our new jobs. It's sisterly, you'll love.
Then, it's down to business- we discuss whether video games are bad for you. Can you play too much of them? Are they a waste of your life? Why is everyone "anti-hedonism"? What should men be doing instead? THEN-- we attempt to discuss Charli XCX's branded enema bulb merch, but get caught up in a disgusting and humiliating conversation about washing out your asshole. All in all, it's a real classic. As the Russians say, don't have 100 rubles-- have 100 sisters
Thursday Feb 17, 2022
Thursday Feb 17, 2022
Hey girl, what's Vack and Brown and CUNT all over? Just WAIT until you hear the answer...
We return for the first episode of SHAMROCK SHAKE SEASON to have the Thot Topics Barbara Walters Power Hour with stars, siblings, movers, shakers, and now canon members of the Thot Topics Universe-- BETSEY MUTHAFUCKIN BROWN and PETER GODDAMN VACK. We dive deep into Betsey's feature film debut "ACTORS" mere days before its theater debut. We've got it like that, babe. We talk breasts, babies, brothers, channeling the puss-factor, and getting too close to home IN YOUR OWN HOME! Be warned that this episode does contain spoilers for the movie so proceed with caution...
Follow the girls on Twitter @VLRTUALBOY and @YOURE2BASIC, and the official pod Twitter @ThotTopicsPod.
Follow Betsey on Instagram and Twitter.
Follow Peter on Instagram.
For the girls who like homework...
Watch ASSHOLES (2017) and THE SCARY OF SIXTY FIRST (2021)
Friday Jan 28, 2022
Friday Jan 28, 2022
M&M&M&M&M&M&M&M&M&M&M&M&M Body crazy curvy wavy big titties little waist, M&M&M&M&M&M&M&M&M&M&M&M&M
Abuse: Do you deserve it? We hope you have a list of hotlines posted to your refrigerator because this one's gonna be a bumpy ride! BUT, not before we get some small potatoes out of the way. First, we perform a wellness check-- Cris reveals the dark dangers of working from home and how you can bring yourself back into the light, and both the girls take a stand for the power of interacting with strangers. Very healing stuff!
Then, we review some new music-- Grimes's comeback single "Shinigami Eyes" and Charli XCX's "Beg For You." We get to the bottom of why Rina Sawayama has such poisonous, evil energy; once again threaten Normani; and have a true SPAT over our final verdict on a song. Spicy!
Last but not least, we discuss the timeline's obsession with "lovebombing" and the inclusive rebrand of the M&Ms. Is the change to keep guys from whacking off to the green M&M, or to cover up child slavery? Is the red one or the orange one the one living with crippling PTSD from having a pretzel implanted? Is the brown one a dyke? ALL is revealed.
Follow the girls on Twitter @VLRTUALBOY and @YOURE2BASIC, and the official pod Twitter @ThotTopicsPod. For every $4 you give us on Patreon we will attempt to catch an M&M in our mouth. If you're not subscribed, our very first patrons-only episode drops this weekend-- DON'T let that train leave the station without you babe.
New merch is still available! Get the classic Thot Topics Marlboro tee or our new Modelo Time design :)
Friday Jan 21, 2022
Friday Jan 21, 2022
We screwed the pooch on this one guys. My MacBook ran out of space while we were recording (but it didn't tell me that until AFTER we recorded for like 40 minutes) and now we're stuck with a sort of incomplete episode... but we didn't want to leave you hanging! The front half of this is a classique girls chat... and the back half, well... turn your volume up. At your own risk. LOL. May wind up keeping this one patrons-only but we'll see. The IKEA episode quality was WAYYYY worse.
I decided only to release the good-sounding stuff on the free feed. Have you ever wanted to pay for something and have it be worse? Well have I got news for you...
The girls chat about the time Nick got heart surgery, recount all of their high school homecomings, and reveal what senior superlatives we were awarded. THEN, we get into some actual topics: first, we give our impressions of the girls on Season 14 (ugh) of Drag Race (UGHHHH). THEN, we discuss today's Twitter dogpile: does platonically kissing (or... doing other things) with your friends mean you have no boundaries? It's a real window to the past, this one...
Follow the girls on Twitter @VLRTUALBOY and @YOURE2BASIC and the official pod Twitter @ThotTopicsPod. Tip-a-hoe on Patreon.
Sunday Jan 16, 2022
Sunday Jan 16, 2022
It's officially 2022, and we're resolving to TEAR!
In yet another triumphant return to form following a brief(ish) hiatus, we are back to take stock of all that went down in 2021-- from boiled cats, to gay throuples, to Nicki Minaj's couins balls. We really do it ALL. We run a fine-toothed comb through a meticulously constructed timeline of the past year-- and decide which events GAVE and which events WERE NOT GIVING. Obviously it's a lot of gay screaming and irrelevant bullshit but there are some real LESSONS to be learned... between the lines
Friday Dec 17, 2021
Friday Dec 17, 2021
Cuz when youuu're-- 15 and somebody tells you they love you, you gotta report themmm...
The girls face the end of the Year of the Ox-- and girl, you know they have to pull the cart, girl. We do a light bit of girly catch-up chitchat before launching into the week's most pressing matters. In what can only be described as an extremely pro-woman episode, we defend a woman's right to hate pornography, a woman's right to fall in love with a teen, and a woman's right to spontaneously grow comically large breasts.
We chat Billie Eilish's anti-porn crusade and the difference between the male relationship to porn and the female relationship to porn-- then formally announce that sex positivity is officially over. Then, we review the new Rebecca Black and Slayyyter collab "Read My Mind," and explain the value of having big tits in your heart rather than on your chest. Lastly, we discuss about the Licorice Pizza review that never was-- and how nobody knows how to do anything except look in the mirror. TRUST US, we get it.
Follow the girls on Twitter @VLRTUALBOY and @YOURE2BASIC, and the official pod Twitter @ThotTopicsPod. Be the girls on Patreon.
Friday Dec 10, 2021
Friday Dec 10, 2021
I'm twenty-five years old... and I don't know how to gape...
We're back and on schedule! We told you we wouldn't keep you waiting. Hush now-- mommy and mommy are here. This one's a doozy so hold on tight-- keep it ALL tight if you can manage it!
This week, we take some big swings and it's nothing but grand slams babe. First, we pick apart Pitchfork's Top 100 songs of the year and answer all of its unanswerable questions: Who thinks Tinashe is talented? Is Bunny a rider? Who the fuck is Jazmine Sullivan? It's very illuminating.
With the little potatoes out of the way, we can get down to beeswax: we chat about the cis straight guy cast on the new season of Drag Race and take the girls to task about why they're crying while sowing-- after all that REAPING they did!! Then, in what is basically an NPR bit, we talk about the TikTok of the twenty-five year old gay guy who "doesn't know how to date." Why are so many gay guys stuck in high school? Is there really no "I" in monogamy? Will the girls EVER find true love?? All is revealed: especially our holes.
Follow the girls on Twitter @VLRTUALBOY and @YOURE2BASIC, and the official pod Twitter @ThotTopicsPod. Subscribe to us on PATREON where we're actually going to start offering monthly bonus episodes! TRUST US-- you don't want to miss it.
Thursday Dec 02, 2021
Thursday Dec 02, 2021
OUR coconuts. You will put them in your mouth: right now, right now. (Right now, right now.)
Thot Topics Queens are Thot Topics Fiends-- and Thot Topics fiends get the greens. It's payout time-- we're BACK after an accidental two-week long break! Cris was out of town for a while so naturally we have a LOT of girly catching up to do. So don't expect any actual topics until about an hour in.
LOOSELY, we discuss every gay guy's favorite day of the year: Spotify Wrapped Day! We look back on a pretty shitty year in music and search for highlights. Then, we talk about whether LGBT eating disorder rates have to do with how hot and sexy gay people are-- and more broadly wonder if literally every person alive has an eating disorder?
Lastly, we talk about Jill Biden's geriatric Christmas decorations and plot our takeover of the White House halls.
Follow the girls on Twitter @VLRTUALBOY and @YOURE2BASIC, and the official pod Twitter @ThotTopicsPod. Eat your soup on Patreon.