Thot Topics
Thot Topics is a podcast with the bravery to stare into the void and ask God’s question: ”Do I look fat in these jeans?” Every week, Nick Malone and Cris Lopez slow-motion dive into music, culture, and politics, then emerge soaking wet with 100% certified accurate takes for your listening pleasure. If you’ve ever felt gaslit by gay Twitter, or by a sizing chart while online shopping, this will be the sisterhood of a lifetime.
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Episodes
Thursday Dec 24, 2020
Thursday Dec 24, 2020
We know the title's a mouthful, but we think you've all proven you can take it like a man!
This episode is the Lucky Pierre in the pillow-bitingly girthy three-part crossover POPULAR THOT REVOLUTION in which Twink Revolution, Thot Topics, and I'm So Popular recap the year of our lord 2020 in excruciating detail. Here, we talk May through August: to hear Part 1, follow your nose to Twink Revolution; to hear Part 3, offer yourself at the altar of I'm So Popular.
This week, the ladies have a meat-and-greet with some of the juiciest and cuntiest podcasters this side of the Mississippi AND the Pacific! We're joined by the boys of Twink Revolution AND Zach Langley Chi-Chi of I'm So Popular podcast for a recap of all the things you forgot about the middle months of 2020. Who got cancelled? Who got pregnant? Who got us pregnant? You already know your questions are answered.
We talk Black Lives Mattering, JK Rowling Terfgate, Lana Del Rey's bear titties, WAP, Pride being cancelled and yet still taking over Twitter discourse, Hunter Biden's dick, James Charles, and so much more. Merry Christmastime... Happy holidays...
Follow the girls on Twitter @VLRTUALBOY and @YOURE2BASIC. Contribute to our diet soda fund on Patreon.
Follow Twink Revolution on Twitter @RevGiant and @twnkforchrist69, and listen to their show wherever podcasts are procured.
Follow Zach Langley Chi-Chi on Twitter @asukahomo, and use your little noggin to find where to listen to I'm So Popular.
Thursday Dec 17, 2020
Thursday Dec 17, 2020
This week, we take a festive load of holiday spirit to the face. You better believe that the sleigh bells are ringaling AND ring-ting-tingaling to boot. We slip on velveteen footie pajamas and leave the zipper low enough to make the whole family uncomfortable.
If Santa can bring toys to all the children in the world in a single night, then we can cover the week's online drama with just as much conviction.
We get to the bottom of whether you need to be "intelligent" and "not Mexican" to understand Taylor Swift's music... We fulfill Manifest Breastiny and restore Cottagecore valor to its rightful owners... We climb aboard a plane headed for a brighter LGBTQIA+ future (and get gay married along the way)... We boldly come forth to declare that Rain On Me Lives Matter at the Grindr Awards... AND!!! (motherfucker, AND!!!!) we take on the great Pornhub purge of 2020. It's lit like the tree, girl.
Follow the girls on Twitter @VLRTUALBOY and @YOURE2BASIC, and the official pod Twitter @ThotTopicsPod. Fill up our "stockings" on Patreon.
HOUSEKEEPING: Make sure to call in to the Thot Topics THOTLINE before the 28th! We have a very special guest helping us fix your life. Email your dilemmas to ThotTopicsPod@gmail.com or leave a voicemail at (872) 239-6261.
Merch orders are shipping out before the weekend!
Bear with us on the audio. I just got a new laptop and I'm still figuring out how to navigate this horrible Garageband update lol.
Friday Dec 11, 2020
Friday Dec 11, 2020
Picture this, bitch: four Completely Krazy homosexuals combine their powers on the first night of Hanukkah to form a podcasting Megazord. Haters cower in fear; the joint slay is maximized; only God stands in their way.
In layman's terms, this week we host the crossover event of a lifetime-- the girls are joined by Juan and Josh of Hot Local Singles! On our graves, it couldn't be juicier. We completely tore it.
There's very little we don't talk about this week. First, we join hands with Zola Jesus in the unending fight for Indie Rights and answer the questions on everyone's poverty brains: Is Clairo poor? Should it be illegal for Taylor Grift to enter the woods? Was she better when she was a Republican?
Then, we take on the Pitchfork Year in Review lists: who deserved their designations? Who was inexplicably included? From Fiona A to Cardi B, we spill piping hot takes all over our tits. Youch!
Last but not least, we take Cardi to task over her $88,000 purse purchase, and finally learn what $88,000 worth of Sherpa material looks like. It's a Hanukkah freakin' miracle!
Follow the girls on Twitter @VLRTUALBOY and @YOURE2BASIC, and the official pod Twitter @ThotTopicsPod. Bid us a happy high holy days on Patreon.
Listen to Hot Local Singles wherever podcasts fill your sweet little ears and pay for their Canadian needs on Patreon. Follow Josh and Juan on Twitter.
Thursday Dec 03, 2020
Thursday Dec 03, 2020
Sure, Thanksgiving may have come and gone, but mere time is not strong enough to stop two young girls from having an Urky-Turkey Pilgrimtastic Thanksgiving Special!
The discourse cornucopia is practically bursting at its pretty wicker seams, and boy, have we got a mind to tear that hoe up. First, we wish Elliot Page a very pleasant evening (dudes rock!) and wonder whether it's time to put the ancient art of the Coming Out Letter to bed for good. Then, we unpack the 2021 Grammy nominations: we get to the BOTTOM of how H.E.R. manages to keep getting nominated for shit, loose our lips on the Megan Thee Stallion album, and sink our bleeding incisors into the new genre du jour: HYPERPOOR.
Last but not least, we put our good little housewife aprons on and serve up a warm and delicious roast named Psychoanalyzing Gay Leftists. What's with everyone being obsessed with AIDS-era gay sex culture again? Are gays better off "mainstreamed," or should we return to the old way? Which dequeered first: the boochie or the world? All this and more on the wonderful world of THOT TOPICS!
Follow the girls on Twitter @VLRTUALBOY and @YOURE2BASIC, and the official Twitter @ThotTopicsPod.
Pay for our PrEP prescriptions on Patreon and don our gay apparel on our merch store which closes DECEMBER 7 for shipping!
Friday Nov 20, 2020
Friday Nov 20, 2020
What are we? We're fucking Barack destroyers, babe...
It's International Men's Day, and what better way to celebrate the global purveyors of dick 'n' balls than to invite another expert on the matter to our intimate set? Beloved chaotic-good Twitter gay and all-around sweetheart @Maxxi_Pad joins us for one of our girliest chit-chats of all time: we were gonna make some Barbies scissor, but before we knew it, we'd loosed our lips on far more pressing matters.
With closed minds and open legs, we answer the questions on everyone's feeble minds: When Barack Obama says "fag," does he mean it in a feminist way? Is it really that bad to say it when Michelle is gay? Is the Cock Destroyers' new show Slag Wars going to bring that Tila Tequila flavor the world is so sorely lacking? And who killed reality TV anyway, the influencers or the queers? And, like, should we do body shots?!?
And that's not all. Music truly makes us lose control this week: we review the new Miley Cyrus/Dua Lipa track "Prisoner," and listen to MARINA speak to the manager on her comeback single "Ma'am's World." We go freakin' bananas!
AND!!!! The Thot Topics holiday merch store is now LIVE! Get yourself an adorable t-shirt or lighter for the holidays
Friday Nov 13, 2020
Friday Nov 13, 2020
678-TRIPLENINE-8212!!!!
Baby! You know that we miss you! We just wanna kiss you, but we can't right now so baby kiss us thru the pod! This week, we mourn Nick's suspended Twitter account and start the fight for edgelord RIGHTS! Then, it's a week of cum-back singles-- we review Lil Nas X's "coming out as a bottom" banger "Holiday," the new geriatric jam from 3OH!3, Slayyyter's dick-suckin' single "Throatzilla" and Billie Eilish's "Piece of Me" moment "Therefore I Am." This is our first episode where we drink in a long time so there's a lot of champagne pouring sounds, questionable accents (sorry) and special tangents. Cheers ladies!
New merch is out next week
Wednesday Nov 04, 2020
Wednesday Nov 04, 2020
And crowwwn thy good, with siiiiiisterhood, from C to shining U-N-T!
It's November 3rd and it's a retardy in the USA. We attempt to survive the absolute psychic torture of the NBC coverage of the election for an early cuntrunner, but we wind up throwing in the towel and settling for a silly test of the mind while we intermittently check on the results. We discover if we're smarter than a fifth grader (we kind of are) AND how many random Nicki Minaj bars we can fill in the blanks of.
Eventually, we return to the matter at hand and discuss our predictions for the future of America over personal 100 calorie packs of teriyaki beef jerky. What would a Biden or Trump win mean for the future of America? Would Bernie have won? Who did we vote for? We are the brave political voices to answer such pressing questions.
Follow the girls on Twitter @VLRTUALBOY and @YOURE2BASIC. Follow the official Twitter @ThotTopicsPod. Act now and secure a brighter future for American on Patreon.
Thursday Oct 29, 2020
Thursday Oct 29, 2020
Boo, girl!
They're heeeeere! (Get it? We have a new episode lol.) This week, it's the Thot Topics Halloween Spooktacular-- and we talk about all things spooky, scary, frightening, or otherwise: what are our biggest fears? What are we going to be for Halloween? Take it from two graveyard smashes: it's a ghoulishly girly little chat.
Then, it's down to business, and frankly, this is some of our spiciest discussion ever: we unpack the claim that "chaser" is a "slur" for "pansexuals." (Scare quotes for Halloween! Boo!) That takes us on a very creepy journey through nonbinary gender and wonder whose fault it is that it's been packaged as a "third gender," and for what purpose. Lastly, we draw our definitive line in the sand between Millennials and Zoomers, and discuss whether Gen Z is more or less "radical" than any generation before. Boner-chilling!
Follow the girls on Twitter @VLRTUALBOY and @YOURE2BASIC, and on the official Twitter @ThotTopicsPod. Guard yourself against the Dark Arts on Patreon.
Saturday Oct 24, 2020
Saturday Oct 24, 2020
THOT TOPICS TRY NOT TO CUM COMP (HARD!)
We hear you. We see you. And we at Thot Topics are committed to doing better for minority voices. That's why this week, we've invited possibly the most persecuted voice in the history of bisexuality: River Page! (@leftyotter) Trust the duchess when she says that three truly IS company.
This week, we review the new Hulu covid documentary "Totally Under Control," two hours of softcore porn for people who hate God. In the process we answer the most pressing questions of the coronavirus: Did the government invent Covid? Does being a fat girl predispose you to being better at science? Will you hurry up and fuck me!?!
But that's not all: we put River through the wringer with the most hotly contested pop singles of the week, from Slayyyter's fire-and-brimstone-and-Hot-Topic-jeans comeback, to LOONA's take on that hamster dance song, to Lana's pro-ana anthem "Let Me Love You Like a Woman," to Ariana Grande's literally unintelligible "Positions." Let's get fucking physical!
Follow the girls on Twitter @VLRTUALBOY and @YOURE2BASIC, and the official Twitter @ThotTopicsPod.
Follow River @leftyotter and get your dick sucked in his bathhouse of ideology, Twink Revolution!
Thursday Oct 15, 2020
Thursday Oct 15, 2020
You stand accused of being in contempt of CUNT! Now let the freakin' music play!
This week, three strong, brave, empowered women stand before us: Hunter Biden, Billie Eyelash, and Cardi B (not to be confused with Coney B, our white woman of the hour). In a Top Model-style elimination, we decide whose leaked photos are the most embarrassing and SPOILER ALERT, it's not cool hooker-fucking crackhead.
But that's not all-- we decide once and for all whether "sexual preference" is offensive to America's most vulnerable population: gay guys. (But not before we speculate on whether or not we chose to be gay ourselves.) THEN, we talk about how PHD-speak (Post Hole Dude!) ruins perfectly good, possibly even meaningful messages on the Internet. We've got your last meal right here bitch!
Follow the dolls on Twitter @VLRTUALBOY and @YOURE2BASIC, and the official Twitter @ThotTopicsPod. Post our bail on Patreon.