Thot Topics

Miss Jewniverse AKA Genie in a Butthole!

Pretty hurts... and ugly kills 💔 RT if u cry everytime...
 
We're back! This week, the girls take to the stage and channel their poise, beauty, grace, and tact to see how well they'd fare in the face of the Top 25 most commonly asked Miss Universe interview questions. From role models to world peace, we put our heads (and breasts) together to find an answer that will please the judges.
 
But that's not all: we wonder what the fuck is going on with movies right now, pop a fat bottle of champagne, do a healthy amount of questionable accents and SO much more. And the weiner is...
 
Follow the girls on Twitter @VLRTUALBOY and @YOURE2BASIC, and the official pod Insta @th0tcels. CROWN IT on Patreon.

The Mother-Briggs Test!

It was a slow news week AGAIN (let's fucking look alive people!!) so we decide to turn to the world of social science to discover what sort of surprises lay in wait. Brought to you by THEE original diva-doll Isabel Myers-Briggs, this episode features the girls diving deep into their sick and twisted psyches to find out which of the 16 personalities describe them best.
Could we be E for Extra Juicy, or I for Ignant?
Could we be S for Sexy, or N for... Nevermind
Could we be T for Titillating, or F for Fucked In The Head?
And last but not least, are we P for Precious, or J for umm.. Jewish? Not to MENTION a possibly Turbulent modifier to all that...
T for Tune In NOW for one of the most revealing episodes in our show's history. Also one of the loudest and drunkest, but you already knew that.
Follow the girls on Twitter @VLRTUALBOY and @YOURE2BASIC, and step into our world on Instagram @th0tcels. Pay for some therapy on Patreon. (Disclaimer: It will 100% not go toward that.)

Tits Out for Toyotathon!

Not a lot of topics this week... we went in with a game plan I swear!
This week, we convene for a wine-drunk Girls' Summit and discuss everything that's on our sick and twisted minds. Honestly, what DON'T we cover? The difference between people who come out in high school vs college, the Super Mario Movie, this spring's new and very off vibe, being more famous than Bob the Drag Queen, being clockable, using hotness to get ahead in the world, PUSSY HOLE BY DJ NASTY, and SOOO much more. We get progressively more wasted and unintelligible so good luck!
Try our favorite productivity shot MAGIC MIND at magicmind.co/topics and use the promo code TOPICS20 for 20% off any purchase or 56% off any subscription!
Follow the girls on Twitter @VLRTUALBOY and @YOURE2BASIC, and the official podstagram @th0tcels. Take us for a spin on Patreon.

Kuntsugi (Preview)

**PATRONS ONLY!!**
Subscribe for full backdoor access. I mean backstage access. Or do I? 
Hey girl! Did you know that uhm. There's a tunnel under ocean boulevard??
Believe it or not we thought we were going to have time to talk about the TikTok ban and school shooters LOL! This week, we deliver the definitive two-hour-long deep dive into Lana Del Rey's new album. In a track by track evaluation, we assess the good, the bad, and the fugly: and deliver some takes that we really think you're gonna hate!
Hands on your knees, Angelina Jolies!!

Oops! All Thots!

OOF!
 
We take our big, feathery female investigative journalist hats off and place them FIRMLY on the rack this week in the name of hot, wet FUN! This week, we forgo all reporting and take-making duties to play an intense game of TRUTH OR DRINK, revealing more personal details than we ever have in our podcasting careers.
 
I don't want to spoil anything but we get literally so wasted on this episode and I don't remember anything we said so I can't be held responsible. Maybe you guys can tell us what went down! Circumcision, early Internet trauma, vices, doomed romance, ketophobia, and MORE!!! Tune the fuck in.
 
Get you a discounted case of MAGIC MIND at MagicMind.Co/TOPICS and use the promo code TOPICS20 at checkout. 20% off a single purchase or 56% off a subscription!
 
Follow the girls on Twitter @VLRTUALBOY and @YOURE2BASIC, and the official podstagram @th0tcels. Buy us a freakin' cocktail on Patreon.

Gomorrahning America! (Preview)

**PATRONS ONLY. SUBSCRIBE FOR FULL LENGTH EP!**
We just got HIV!!! WOOOOOO! Ayyy! The boy's a liarrrr! Oooh! The boy's a liarrrr! HEYYY!!! 
This week is all about sin: who's got it? Who wants it? Who's taking it out on consenting unconscious adults? Only one podcast has the answers. Following a brief State of the Podcast address, we get down to business.
First, we psychoanalyze the HIV Twink. Is it cool to have a yassified response to a diagnosis? Should HIV be treated like gonorrhea? Are certain people predisposed to HIV just by looking like that? You're guaranteed to think "Period" to yourself at the end of this segment, or your money back!
Then, we talk about Dr. Whale's theory of sex positivity ending date rape: would rape end if we made it okay for guys to pay women to drug themselves and get fucked unconscious? LOOOOOOL.........
Anyway, we bullshit and tell the girls a little bit about our weekend plans, Sydney Sweeney, animals' capacity for love, and SOOOO much more. XO sisters!
Follow the girls on Twitter @VLRTUALBOY and @YOURE2BASIC, and our joyful meme page @th0tcels. Make an undetectable blood pact with us on Patreon. 

Now That’s What I Call Mother!

We've come together for an emergency session to address the end of the word "mother" and the woman who delivered the death blow: Meghan Freakin Trainor, Queen of PAWGs. 
Naturally that's not all: we discuss the pathetic state of everyday mens' fashion, the Chicago mayoral race (including a heartfelt tribute to our muppet queen Lori Lightfoot), and how to say various cuss words in sign language.
We give Kali Uchis and rightwing bodybuilder Twitter a piece of our mind too. Is it evil to drink liquor and should everyone stop doing it? Is it gay to have a ripped fizeek? Are muscle tee brands making the kids ghey? TUNE IN and find out...
Follow the girls on Twitter @VLRTUALBOY and @YOURE2BASIC, and the pod meme page @th0tcels. Contribute a generous pledge in our bid for city hall on Patreon. 

Ass Wednesday Pt. 1: Asses to Asses!

We're back with a vengenace! (We're=Onika,Vengeance=Burger)
We know we left you ladies hanging last week so this week we're unleashing a double-wide super-soaked hot-and-horny God-fearing two part special. We've accepted a truly prime list of topic suggestions from our listeners and get to the emotional heart of whatever mentally ill behavior went down online the last few weeks.
The first chapter is free for all, but if you want the FULL tea, you'll have to join the Thot Topics sisterhood officially with a little Patreon action. The second hour of the show is waiting for you BEYOND THE PAYWALL! 
We chat: the job hunt, A&W, Caroline Polachek, Chinese people eating animals while they're still moving, raising children, gay monogamy (I know, I know), Angela Bassett doing the thing, Salina EsTitties, and SO much more. I can't even begin to describe how much ground we cover.
Follow the girls on Twitter @VLRTUALBOY and @YOURE2BASIC, and the official podstagram @th0tcels. Humble yourself in Jesus's name on Patreon. 

The Thot 100 AKA Balls Deep In Love!

It was a slow news week so we decide to take the cultural temperature-- by performing an in-depth review of the current Top 15 on the Billboard Hot 100. What does the presence of Bebe Rexha mean for America? Is Miley Cyrus "Flowers" astroturfed or do people really like this shit? Does mummy know that daddy's getting hot at the bodyshop? ALL is revealed.
But that's not all: we christen Cris's new apartment and talk gnocchi, firemen, sniffing snuff, specialty donuts and OF COURSE...
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Statutory Grape! (Preview)

PATRONS ONLY! You wouldn't get it.
Subscribe on Patreon for the rest of the episode.
In our iciest and spiciest episode yet, we hold a bookkeeping powwow ahead of tax season: why didn't anyone tell us we were supposed to set aside money from the Patreon to give to the government? It's not like JOE BIDEN stuck out his fucking NECK to tell the truth about Tinashe...
With the chips stacked and the coins counted, we turn to the news in Gay Guy World. First, we review the new Kim Petras single "Brrr," along with the debut EP from Ice Spice. Is the Ice Spice hate train just around the bend, or can we bask in her Bob Ross hair a little longer? Time will tell, but WE will tell first...
Then, we discuss Azealia's catastrophic departure from Parlophone Records after being signed for only a month and releasing zero music. We play a little bit of Gay&R and plot Azealia's ideal career path.
Last but certainly not least, we talk about "mascara," "grape," "unalive," and the other silly goofy words to cover up Serious Traumatic Triggering Topics on TikTok. Divulging personal trauma online! Julia Fox! Seeking attention! Elaborate lies! It's truly salacious.
Follow the girls on Twitter @VLRTUALBOY and @YOURE2BASIC, and the pod meme page on Instagram @th0tcels. Free us from the bonds of the IRS on Patreon.